i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize