I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
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Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
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The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
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He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
The ass gains better be worth it
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