i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
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I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
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It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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