Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
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you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
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I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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