i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
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Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
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Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
My bed smells like the plague
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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