you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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