I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I understand Curling. That high.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
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It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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