in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
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