the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
