we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
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Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
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After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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