in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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