i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
meet me or not, i'm out of control
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
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she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
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This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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