I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
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I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
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Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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