im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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