so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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