I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
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you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
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For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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