My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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