My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
