If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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