fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize