This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
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I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
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Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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