i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
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We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
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But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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