I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
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my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
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I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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