genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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