mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
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It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
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It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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