Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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