no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
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I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
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the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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