Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
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My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
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He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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