I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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