you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
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Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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