Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
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i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
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First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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