we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
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