mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
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