Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Be still, my beating vagina.
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Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
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i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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