peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
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you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
So here I am, sexting at work.
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