I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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