Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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