If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
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If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
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