I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
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No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
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I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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