Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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