Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize