An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
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he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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