Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I wish you could order shots online.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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