I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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