My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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