It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize