Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
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I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
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Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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