Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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