How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
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I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
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