i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize