I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
and she was petting her beer can
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
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The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
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I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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